This is the first time I'm writing to you since everything happened. I miss you so much and I think about you every day. It's so unreal to realize that it's been almost three months already.
Here's something that's been breaking my heart for a while now. Remember last year when we went to Race for the Cure with Best Buy? Well, I signed up for it this year to actually walk with the team. Dan's even running for you! Hopefully next year I'll run, too. I know that you said that last year wasn't really all you wanted it to be, but you were still glad you went. I remember you really wanted to be a part of the survivor ceremony, but we couldn't find it because we're both directionally retarded in St. Louis and it really didn't work out. I remember I told you on the drive home that I'd make it up to you this year and we could walk together. Now it's just me who's walking. I know it might seem stupid but I'm so upset with myself. I can't believe I'm actually going without you. I hope you know that I wish you were here and I'm so sorry about everything. It's later this month and I'll be thinking about you the whole time. I love you.
I also wish you were here to call whenever I want to tell you something. Like, every time I would go to a baseball game you would call afterwards and tell me about how you watched it on TV, haha. It always made me smile to talk to you after the game and to hear that you were kind of there with me. Now, every time I go to the stadium I always want to call you and hear that you know the score even though you weren't there. I know that probably seems stupid, too. I also remember calling you when I got way too drunk to tell you I'm sorry that I'm calling you drunk, but I wanted to let you know I love you. I always did dumb stuff like that and you always laughed at me and said you loved me, too. Then you called in the morning and asked about my hangover.
I wish I would have called you and visited you more. I wish I knew more about you. I also have some stuff I really wish I could ask you for advice. Here's some stuff that I've been thinking about so far:
- I wish I knew how I can be a better girlfriend to Dan. I just want to know that I'm doing a good job. I know that you really loved him, too. You always asked about him and said that we're going to make it and you can't wait to see where we're going. I just wish you could be here to let me know when I'm being an idiot in arguments and to just let me know that you're proud of us. He tells me he really wishes that he got to know you more. I know that you would have liked that, too. I'm just glad that you told me how you felt about us before you left. It helps me know that you support us in everything that we do
- I wish you were here when I had all of these questions about whether or not I should take the new job that I got. I took the job, and now I know you would be proud of me... but I kinda needed you there to say, "Melissa, don't be an idiot. Finish school and do what you want to do." Thankfully, I figured out that they would work around my school schedule. I hope you're proud of me!
- I really wish you were here to just vent to. About life. You always let me and it made me feel so much better. You always gave the best advice, too.
- I also wish you were here to make fun of my friends. We went swimming at the house the other day... and it really wasn't the same without you making fun of Jackie's laugh or tsk-tsking at Kyle's drinking and chewing habit.
I guess what I'm trying to say is nothing is the same without you. I hope you know somehow that I'm writing this to you, and you're smiling at me or giving me a nod of approval or something. It's so hard not being able to call and ask if I'm doing the right thing or if you're proud of me.
I miss you, and I'll write to you soon.
Love, forever and always,
Melissa Marie
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