On July 31st last year, I got home from hanging out with the man friend around five o'clock in the morning, to wake up at noon and do some last minute packing before my flight to Spain. It was totally irresponsible, but I had a little girl crush, what can I say?
I finally got everything all packed up and ready to go and my mom and dad took me to the airport. On the way I was texting Jackie and Dan and talking about how nervous I was. I was so anxious and my heart was beating so fast! My parents helped me with my suitcases and got me to the terminal that I was supposed to be in. My mom was taking pictures the whole time - it was so goofy, but I had only been on a plane once before - and this time I would be all by myself in four different airports, in three different countries, speaking two different languages. Just the traveling itself was a learning experience!
But then I got there, and this is what I saw.
I absolutely fell in love with Spain the minute I got there. I met two other people that were traveling with ISA in Germany and we all got a taxi when we got to Malaga. I was the last out of the taxi and when I found out that the place I was staying at was two blocks away from the beach and I had my own patio - I knew I was lucky. I got out of the taxi and met my host mom - who, by the way, said I spoke Spanish very well! I saw my room and met my roommate, Kristen - who was super sweet! I unpacked my things and pretty much collapsed on the bed and tried to convince myself that I'd actually be living in Spain.
I met some of the most amazing people from all over the world. We met locals from all over Spain and traveled to landmarks around the country. Our Spanish teachers were three of the best teachers I've ever had and I absolutely loved ISA. I learned so much about myself and I realized that I could do just about anything, independently - which was a great thing to learn after just getting out of a relationship where I felt like I couldn't do anything on my own. I found out how strong and independent I was - totally out of my element! It really was a great adventure and I'm so happy I was lucky enough to experience it. I could talk for hours and write a novel about my trip!
Another really great thing that happened while I was in Spain was that I got really close to someone. It's really weird because I felt so close to Dan even though we weren't technically together yet, but we talked almost every day while I was there. We had Skype dates and talked a lot. Long story short is I feel like I found my best friend and became the closest to anyone that I ever have while I was 4,000 miles away. It's really an awesome feeling knowing how strong our relationship really is and how it started. Kind of romantic, really. On two completely different worlds, we learned so much about each other and he made me feel better than anyone else ever did. (Now he can't get rid of me - baha).
Before all of this happened, about a week before I got on my plane, my mom was in the emergency room. I remember what I was doing - I was at a bar (classy) with my friends. I remember the text conversation I had with Dan... he was seeing Captain America with his friend Ryan, and he told me he'd take me when I got back! Jackie, Anna, Kyle, and I all got super drunk and I had a great time. I was retarded and drove home in the morning. I don't remember how I found out, I think my sister called me. I ended up outside of my parents house at three in the morning and Laura drove herself and I to the hospital in Maryville. My mom went because of horrendous pain in her stomach and thought it was a kidney infection - or that's what she said. She also made fun of me because I was drunk and asked about how Daniel was doing. I creepily showed her pictures of him on Facebook and talked to her about friends and how excited I was about Spain. I was worried about her, but she made us feel that everything was going to be fine.
Turns out, her cancer came back and it spread to her liver. That's what the pains were in her stomach. The cancer also spread to her bones and lymph nodes. I was scared, but at the same time - she said everything was going to be all right. She said she got through it once and she was going to get through it again, and even faster! She didn't tell me until I was in Spain, after I taught her how to use Skype. She got a webcam to talk to me and everything! She told me that she didn't want to tell me when she found out because she thought I would have missed out on my trip to Spain, and she wanted me to grow as a person and to experience things that she never got to.
By that time her skin and eyes were yellow. Some days she looked better, but I could tell something really wasn't right. About a week later she wouldn't answer the Skype calls and then my dad would call me back crying saying that mom couldn't get out of bed. A week later she'd be back and look great. I had no idea what was going on or what to expect. I told my roommate and my Spanish host mom and they both asked about her and thought she was so young! Of course she would be fine because she's only in her fifties.
After I got home from my Spain adventure - my mom was going through intense chemotherapy and starting in about October her blood count was always low and she was in the hospital every week. She was not home for Thanksgiving. I couldn't even talk about stupid green bean casserole because it wasn't the same without it and without her there. She was home for Christmas, and I got her a bottle of wine from Spain so we could share it when she was cancer free!
After countless hospital trips and hellish rounds of chemotherapy, my mom decided that she didn't want to do it anymore. She said she was done and that she was ready to go to heaven. After that I watched my mom quickly decline. When doctors said she had three years, it turned into six months to a year. About a month later they said she had a few weeks. The paramedics on the ambulance drive home said she had 48 hours at most. When she got home, the nurse said she had a day. My mom died six hours later. She was ready to go and I still can't let it go.
The last time I went to my dad's house I found the bottle of wine sitting on her chair in the room where my dad keeps her ashes.
I literally cannot go a day without crying. It's been four months today. I realize now that we shouldn't take what we have for granted. We have to live our lives to the fullest - take chances, love with everything we have, give what we can to people that need it, get hurt - because we might not have the chance tomorrow. I know my mom didn't tell me what was wrong because she didn't want to scare me. I just wish I knew how to deal with everything. I love her so much, I just wish that she was here so she can be here when I graduate, get married, have kids. I want her to be here to see what I become. I'm so selfish because I know that she doesn't feel pain anymore. She doesn't feel the torture that she had to go through. It makes me so angry that she had to suffer through everything - and she persevered better than anyone I know could. It's just so unfair that it had to happen to such a wonderful person.
My blog post that at first had structure to it has now turned into a selfish, bawling rant. So I'll stop now. Just know that your life can do a complete 180 in 365 days. You learn to roll with it and appreciate the good things and try not to let the bad things tear you apart - and when they do, you just have to learn how to put yourself back together even better than you were before.
Love,
Mel Marie
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