Putting Myself Back Together

On July 31st last year, I got home from hanging out with the man friend around five o'clock in the morning, to wake up at noon and do some last minute packing before my flight to Spain. It was totally irresponsible, but I had a little girl crush, what can I say?

I finally got everything all packed up and ready to go and my mom and dad took me to the airport. On the way I was texting Jackie and Dan and talking about how nervous I was. I was so anxious and my heart was beating so fast! My parents helped me with my suitcases and got me to the terminal that I was supposed to be in. My mom was taking pictures the whole time - it was so goofy, but I had only been on a plane once before - and this time I would be all by myself in four different airports, in three different countries, speaking two different languages. Just the traveling itself was a learning experience!

But then I got there, and this is what I saw.

I absolutely fell in love with Spain the minute I got there. I met two other people that were traveling with ISA in Germany and we all got a taxi when we got to Malaga. I was the last out of the taxi and when I found out that the place I was staying at was two blocks away from the beach and I had my own patio - I knew I was lucky. I got out of the taxi and met my host mom - who, by the way, said I spoke Spanish very well! I saw my room and met my roommate, Kristen - who was super sweet! I unpacked my things and pretty much collapsed on the bed and tried to convince myself that I'd actually be living in Spain.

I met some of the most amazing people from all over the world. We met locals from all over Spain and traveled to landmarks around the country. Our Spanish teachers were three of the best teachers I've ever had and I absolutely loved ISA. I learned so much about myself and I realized that I could do just about anything, independently - which was a great thing to learn after just getting out of a relationship where I felt like I couldn't do anything on my own. I found out how strong and independent I was - totally out of my element! It really was a great adventure and I'm so happy I was lucky enough to experience it. I could talk for hours and write a novel about my trip!

Another really great thing that happened while I was in Spain was that I got really close to someone. It's really weird because I felt so close to Dan even though we weren't technically together yet, but we talked almost every day while I was there. We had Skype dates and talked a lot. Long story short is I feel like I found my best friend and became the closest to anyone that I ever have while I was 4,000 miles away. It's really an awesome feeling knowing how strong our relationship really is and how it started. Kind of romantic, really. On two completely different worlds, we learned so much about each other and he made me feel better than anyone else ever did. (Now he can't get rid of me - baha).

Before all of this happened, about a week before I got on my plane, my mom was in the emergency room. I remember what I was doing - I was at a bar (classy) with my friends. I remember the text conversation I had with Dan... he was seeing Captain America with his friend Ryan, and he told me he'd take me when I got back! Jackie, Anna, Kyle, and I all got super drunk and I had a great time. I was retarded and drove home in the morning. I don't remember how I found out, I think my sister called me. I ended up outside of my parents house at three in the morning and Laura drove herself and I to the hospital in Maryville. My mom went because of horrendous pain in her stomach and thought it was a kidney infection - or that's what she said. She also made fun of me because I was drunk and asked about how Daniel was doing. I creepily showed her pictures of him on Facebook and talked to her about friends and how excited I was about Spain. I was worried about her, but she made us feel that everything was going to be fine.

Turns out, her cancer came back and it spread to her liver. That's what the pains were in her stomach. The cancer also spread to her bones and lymph nodes. I was scared, but at the same time - she said everything was going to be all right. She said she got through it once and she was going to get through it again, and even faster! She didn't tell me until I was in Spain, after I taught her how to use Skype. She got a webcam to talk to me and everything! She told me that she didn't want to tell me when she found out because she thought I would have missed out on my trip to Spain, and she wanted me to grow as a person and to experience things that she never got to.

By that time her skin and eyes were yellow. Some days she looked better, but I could tell something really wasn't right. About a week later she wouldn't answer the Skype calls and then my dad would call me back crying saying that mom couldn't get out of bed. A week later she'd be back and look great. I had no idea what was going on or what to expect. I told my roommate and my Spanish host mom and they both asked about her and thought she was so young! Of course she would be fine because she's only in her fifties.

After I got home from my Spain adventure - my mom was going through intense chemotherapy and starting in about October her blood count was always low and she was in the hospital every week. She was not home for Thanksgiving. I couldn't even talk about stupid green bean casserole because it wasn't the same without it and without her there. She was home for Christmas, and I got her a bottle of wine from Spain so we could share it when she was cancer free!

After countless hospital trips and hellish rounds of chemotherapy, my mom decided that she didn't want to do it anymore. She said she was done and that she was ready to go to heaven. After that I watched my mom quickly decline. When doctors said she had three years, it turned into six months to a year. About a month later they said she had a few weeks. The paramedics on the ambulance drive home said she had 48 hours at most. When she got home, the nurse said she had a day. My mom died six hours later. She was ready to go and I still can't let it go.

The last time I went to my dad's house I found the bottle of wine sitting on her chair in the room where my dad keeps her ashes.

I literally cannot go a day without crying. It's been four months today. I realize now that we shouldn't take what we have for granted. We have to live our lives to the fullest - take chances, love with everything we have, give what we can to people that need it, get hurt - because we might not have the chance tomorrow. I know my mom didn't tell me what was wrong because she didn't want to scare me. I just wish I knew how to deal with everything. I love her so much, I just wish that she was here so she can be here when I graduate, get married, have kids. I want her to be here to see what I become. I'm so selfish because I know that she doesn't feel pain anymore. She doesn't feel the torture that she had to go through. It makes me so angry that she had to suffer through everything - and she persevered better than anyone I know could. It's just so unfair that it had to happen to such a wonderful person.

My blog post that at first had structure to it has now turned into a selfish, bawling rant. So I'll stop now. Just know that your life can do a complete 180 in 365 days. You learn to roll with it and appreciate the good things and try not to let the bad things tear you apart - and when they do, you just have to learn how to put yourself back together even better than you were before.

Love,
Mel Marie

Race for the Cure 2012

My sister and boyfriend went with me to Race for the Cure this morning. What a bittersweet experience! I remember telling my mom how we would go this year and we could walk it together and she would finish with the other survivors. I had tears in my eyes the whole time. I know that in my heart she was with me, however stupid that may sound.

My sister did great. She is such a strong person and I am so proud of her. She even drove like a champ in St. Louis traffic, and I can't even say that. I can't even correctly back out of my own parking spot.

And Dan did wonderfully. He was going to actually race, but then decided to be there for me and hold my hand during the walk. He is such a wonderful man and is so supportive in every way. He has been so strong and I can't believe he has put up with me through everything.

It was such a powerful feeling to see how many lives this horrible disease touches. It was amazing seeing all of the people with the "In Celebration Of" tag celebrating their mom, aunts, grandmas, friends, and neighbors reaching survivorship. It was also really sad to see the tags that say "In Memory Of" loved ones.

I couldn't help but notice that the "In Memory Of" tags only said mothers when the wearer was older (not old, per se, but at least in their forties or fifties)... and I don't recall many of them that were remembering their moms that were as young as Laura or myself. I can't help myself but think that this is so unfair and it totally sucks and I can't think of another way to describe it right now and be reader appropriate. So I'll just stop and realize that this disease affects all of us in different ways, and some more than others.

Love you, mom.
Always and forever,

Melissa Marie

Gluten Free Toilet Water Rice

My best friend is probably the most hilarious person I know. She doesn't get nervous over anything... or maybe she does she just never shows it. But, she was super nervous today because of some boy and their date.

So what does she do five minutes before he gets to the apartment?

Drops her phone. In the toilet.

So I went and bought rice because apparently it has some powerful phone-saving properties. We didn't have any baggies so I made a little phone and rice concoction in a huge mixing bowl. I've never tried this whole rice thing but I thought now would be an opportune moment to try it since the phone is literally sopping with toilet water. Apparently, if you keep the phone in rice long enough it will [hopefully] absorb the [toilet] water and your phone will be as good as new! We'll see.

If not, at least Jackie can make a gluten free meal after the experiment.

So in other news, I'm getting used to the new job. Except not really. You really don't get used to the crazy people that you run into everyday. I really, really like this job though. I feel like I'm doing what I want to be doing and it's rewarding and fun at the same time. How cliché is that? But seriously. I really like the people I work with and I get to use colorful post-it notes and highlighters and I have my own desk in my own office. And I get to decorate! I think I'll bring in some of my Spain pictures to hang on the wall. I'm pretty excited!

The only thing I hate is the drive. Dan even told me I'm not allowed to call him on the way home because one second I'll be sweet and talking about everything and then the next I'll be screaming about the 88 year old woman that just slammed on her brakes in front of me. I thought I was being hilarious, he doesn't seem to think so though. I guess it's for the best anyway. I hope we can move to St. Louis next year, so we can be close to Creve Ceour and Brentwood. I'm super excited about it!

School is officially making me angry. All I want to do is graduate and I'm so close! I just have to get through like three or four more classes and then I'll be DONE! Seriously though, everything about that school makes me irritated - including but not limited to them taking over a month to process my financial aid. Oh, and they charged me for a textbook that I kept out after paying the extra semester rental fee for it... but I won't even get into that. BUT my financial aid finally went through so that's promising. Things are looking up!

Oh, and I got a surprise paycheck from Best Buy. Yayyyy Blue Crew bucks! That seriously did make my day.

So tonight I think the friends (except Jackie... because she's on a date... without a phone... while her phone is sitting drenched in rice) are going to go to the homecoming here in town. Should be really uneventful and boring but it will be something to do for a little while. Plus I guess my dad is actually going with us. It's good to get him out of the house. I realize I have some things that I really don't know if I can get over... but I don't think it's fair that he's so lonely all the time. I think my mom would want me to be a good person and to try to actually have a relationship with him. Actually, I don't know. But, I'm trying to justify it.

That's it. I'm done typing because I'm way too distracted while watching the Cardinals lose. I promise I'll do a legit post sometime soon, I just thought I'd update you on random stuff today!

Mel Marie

Notes To Mom, Parte Uno

Mom,

This is the first time I'm writing to you since everything happened. I miss you so much and I think about you every day. It's so unreal to realize that it's been almost three months already.

Here's something that's been breaking my heart for a while now. Remember last year when we went to Race for the Cure with Best Buy? Well, I signed up for it this year to actually walk with the team. Dan's even running for you! Hopefully next year I'll run, too. I know that you said that last year wasn't really all you wanted it to be, but you were still glad you went. I remember you really wanted to be a part of the survivor ceremony, but we couldn't find it because we're both directionally retarded in St. Louis and it really didn't work out. I remember I told you on the drive home that I'd make it up to you this year and we could walk together. Now it's just me who's walking. I know it might seem stupid but I'm so upset with myself. I can't believe I'm actually going without you. I hope you know that I wish you were here and I'm so sorry about everything. It's later this month and I'll be thinking about you the whole time. I love you.

I also wish you were here to call whenever I want to tell you something. Like, every time I would go to a baseball game you would call afterwards and tell me about how you watched it on TV, haha. It always made me smile to talk to you after the game and to hear that you were kind of there with me. Now, every time I go to the stadium I always want to call you and hear that you know the score even though you weren't there. I know that probably seems stupid, too. I also remember calling you when I got way too drunk to tell you I'm sorry that I'm calling you drunk, but I wanted to let you know I love you. I always did dumb stuff like that and you always laughed at me and said you loved me, too. Then you called in the morning and asked about my hangover.

I wish I would have called you and visited you more. I wish I knew more about you. I also have some stuff I really wish I could ask you for advice. Here's some stuff that I've been thinking about so far:

1. I wish I knew how I can be a better girlfriend to Dan. I just want to know that I'm doing a good job. I know that you really loved him, too. You always asked about him and said that we're going to make it and you can't wait to see where we're going. I just wish you could be here to let me know when I'm being an idiot in arguments and to just let me know that you're proud of us. He tells me he really wishes that he got to know you more. I know that you would have liked that, too. I'm just glad that you told me how you felt about us before you left. It helps me know that you support us in everything that we do
2. I wish you were here when I had all of these questions about whether or not I should take the new job that I got. I took the job, and now I know you would be proud of me... but I kinda needed you there to say, "Melissa, don't be an idiot. Finish school and do what you want to do." Thankfully, I figured out that they would work around my school schedule. I hope you're proud of me!
3. I really wish you were here to just vent to. About life. You always let me and it made me feel so much better. You always gave the best advice, too.
4. I also wish you were here to make fun of my friends. We went swimming at the house the other day... and it really wasn't the same without you making fun of Jackie's laugh or tsk-tsking at Kyle's drinking and chewing habit.

I guess what I'm trying to say is nothing is the same without you. I hope you know somehow that I'm writing this to you, and you're smiling at me or giving me a nod of approval or something. It's so hard not being able to call and ask if I'm doing the right thing or if you're proud of me.

I miss you, and I'll write to you soon.

Love, forever and always,

Melissa Marie

More updates!

I've found you once again, Blogger. This time it only took me seven months to update you on my life. Remember back in October when I wrote you a list of all the new things going on lately? Let's try that again.

1. I moved out of the really cool house. Granted, I quickly learned that it really wasn't that cool because one roommate was never there, the other one blared his video games, and the last one was a[n enormous] slob. I still had a really big closet and a jacuzzi bathtub that kind of worked... but I don't really miss it that much. Now I live in a different apartment with my best friend and the loud roommate from the old house. We put him on the third story so the sounds of frustration that come from his room after he gets annihilated in Dark Souls doesn't really bother us much. Besides the hole in the door and the broken dishwasher... and really loud toilet... the new place is really rather nice.

2. I don't work at Best Buy anymore. My last day was this past Saturday. I got a cake and didn't cry so I'd say it was a pretty good day. I got a new job at Maxim Healthcare Services working with new hires and guiding them through orientation after making sure they passed their background checks and have their credentials accurately reported. My title is Compliance Coordinator, which I think makes me sound pretty important, not gonna lie. I got the official job offer last week and we are just waiting for my background check to come in. Good thing I haven't taken part in grand theft auto lately. I'll keep you updated on that.

<update> The background check is back! I'm not a known felon and can start after paperwork is done! Huzzah. </update>

3. That new guy I met? Well, his name is Daniel and we've been together for about eight months now and we haven't completely gotten sick of each other yet. I think we complement each other wonderfully. I can't wait to see where it goes and I am so excited about our relationship. In these past eight months I've pretty much infiltrated his apartment, adopted his dog and got him to love me more, and successfully won over his parents. I even have his spare car key. He makes me breakfast and takes me to lots of fun places. I buy tickets to sporting events and watch Game of Thrones with him. It's really so much better than anything both of us have ever experienced. Le sigh.

4. I still really, really want to go back to Spain. Honestly, I'd go anywhere. I want to travel and volunteer and see the world. I think it really strengthens you as an individual and makes every aspect of your life better. I miss Málaga and I can't wait to go back.

5. I saved this one for last. Not because it's the best. It's probably the biggest emotional event of my life thus far. On March 31st, my mother passed away. Cancer spread through her entire body, including her brain. She fought for three years and she was the strongest person I have ever known. She died in her own bed, surrounded by family. She knew she was loved. I never thought that I would lose my mom so soon, you know? I always wish I could go back and talk to her more and learn more about her. I'm sure everyone feels like that after they lose someone they love though. I am grateful for the time that I did have with her and for all of the things she taught me. About a week later, my sister and I found journals that she kept and wrote entries to us in. I wish she would have told us all of the stuff she wrote to us, but she never wanted to bother us. She never wanted us to worry. We found out that the cancer came back right before I went to Spain. She didn't even want to tell us. She thought that if I knew then I wouldn't have gone. She wanted me to learn, to travel, and to grow. She never wanted me to stay back and worry for her sake. She was so selfless in that aspect. She never even told us that it was getting worse. She kept telling us that she had years and years to live when she knew that she was dying soon. You could tell, but all she wanted to do was keep us happy and to stop us from worrying. I wish I could be more like her. I've been crying a lot, and I've been watching home videos since Mother's Day was two days ago. I miss her voice and I miss being able to talk to her and hug her. I feel like such a miserable daughter because I don't think I told her that I loved her enough. I hope that I can be more like her and be a good person. I miss her everyday but I've learned so much from her and I hope that she doesn't feel any pain anymore and that she is peaceful and happy.

Well. I always think my life is so boring until I do this, Blogger. It's ridiculous how much your life can change in a year. I'm glad you're all up to date and I can start writing about all of this. Of course I still want to talk about photography, traveling, and just everyday life... but Dan helped me think of the idea of writing little notes to my mom. Whenever I really want to tell her something, I can always write it here and tag my notes as "Letters to Mom" or something like that. Kind of cheesy, I know. But, maybe it will help.

Thanks for being there after I neglected you for all of these months, Blogger!

Hasta luego,
Mel Marie

World Series!

So recently I've become a newfound baseball fan... and look who won!

I used to make fun of sports until I realized that it really is a good way to unify people and have a sense of accomplishment for your home team. It's pretty sweet. Unfortunately, now that baseball season is over I'm going to have to learn about football... and our home team sucks. Represent.

When do you want to go?

I'm stealing everyone I love and going back to this place.

I'm pretty sure living in Málaga is a definite possibility.